The Mindful
Relationship
Dr. Janet Hibel
Question: I have
usually found myself to be an impulsive person, choosing between what my heart
says I want rather than what my mind says I should do, whenever I am in a
confusing dating situation. This has oftentimes lead to unhappy consequences
where I suffer from not thinking though my decisions. I will most often go with what just feels
right, trusting that my emotions indicate my true reality. An example of this for me is last year I was
dating a guy who subsequently broke up with me because he said he did not want
to be in a committed relationship. After
about a year, I ran into him in a restaurant and we I was instantly attracted
to him again, despite the fact he broke my heart and I spent the better part of
the year grieving his loss. He wanted to
go out again, even though he still said he was not ready for a commitment. I couldn’t help myself, and I accepted a
date, but when it came time to be
romantic, I just couldn’t do it, something in me came forward and I stopped it. I felt I was making a wrong decision and would
just get hurt again because nothing had really changed. We ended the relationship again, this time
mutually as friends. Could I have somehow
developed a capacity now to take care of myself and make better decisions in
spite of my still wishing I could be with him?
Answer: Yes,
absolutely, we can grow and change in wonderful ways, cultivating a self care
and protective functioning adult identity.
This is certainly an event to rejoice. What you are describing is what
many people experience as two separated parts
of their identity, the part of the self that knows what is right and the part of the self that seeks
immediate gratification of wants and needs.
The trouble begins when these two parts are working against
each other and not integrated into a whole.
This war within the self arises mostly when we feels we are choosing to
do something that is wrong or unhealthy because we are driven to by our
emotions. Or, we want to avoid the suffering the pain of
not having our needs met in the moment
. It is likely that during the year you were
grieving his loss, you thought long and hard about what went wrong in the
relationship, that part he played as well as the part you played. You came to believe that it was important to
rely on the truth of what your head told you and in this case, that this relationship was not right for
you. In spite of the fact that your
emotions still longed to be with him, you did not let them “put their sticky
hands on the steering wheel of your life”.
You made the move from being an impulsive child to having the wisdom of
an adult and should be very proud of yourself.
Sometimes these protective forces arise within us like guardian angels and
carry us down the healthy path. Work to
cultivate this new part of yourself by making sure you give yourself plenty of
time when making important decisions so you can tune in and listen to what that
part of you is suggesting. Often friends
will help you in problem solving and remind you of the wiser course since they
are not being influenced by a storm of emotions. In taking the harder path, you are activating
higher levels of your brain, most prominently the pre frontal cortex which is
the executive function and helps us in making difficult decisions. All this being said, it is not as if we want
to ignore the signals of our emotional self but rather integrate them into the
framework of what we know to be ethically and morally right actions for ourselves. If we listen to our head, and our head tells
us that a situation is safe and healthy, then we are able to come out and play
and let our emotions loose to enjoy the moment.
The work you did on yourself brought you to the point where
you did not allow yourself to become swept off into a romantic fairly tale
about your ex boyfriend ‘s interest in rekindling a relationship. You make yourself listen to the truth of what
he was saying, that he was not ready for a commitment right now in his
life. You didn’t tell yourself other
fairly tales about how he would see you now and realize you were the one and
only and be ready to give up the single life for you. You were able to do this without putting yourself
down, feeling inadequate or worthless because you couldn’t magically change him
mind. Further, you were able to open the door for a future friendly
relationship, even though at times trying to be trying friends with an
ex-partner is fraught with difficulty.
You don’t have to be apologetic for still feeling hurt, rejected or
jealous and sometimes it’s best to avoid the ex partner until these feelings
fade, if they ever do.